HanaLohgy

OMG Tis 2012 Already?!

2011-12-31T22:35:00.000-08:00

I feel reallybad that I have not been updating the kid's blogs. It does not help that slide.com closed down and I lost all the pictures I had uploaded previously. I am wondering if I should just carry on blogging or start afresh with a new blog for the kids together. Regardless, I am back and hopefully, I can do a much better job in 2012 than 2011.

Happy New Year, folks!

Serene's Big Day (Night)

2011-07-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

I have been getting myself ready for Serene's big day and night since a month ago. Sounds funny? Well, I am a SAHM so my clothes are largely (quite literally) functional and I have no shoes or bags. Thus, CK wanted to me to do some serious shopping and dress nicely for the occasion (for a change).

We combed ION and found a dress and a cardigan for the church wedding. I had to take Alfee with me so I bought a pair of pumps to go with the dress. CK was a little disappointed that my shoes were from Pedal Works (Thomson Plaza) but I am not too particular about brands. Besides, I was desperate. They are not too bad, right? I mean, they went pretty well with my LV bag... if you do not look too closely. Who would scrutinize my shoes anyway?

I thought I look pretty decent. Then my spirits were dampened when I arrived at the wrong church. I panicked as we were already late and I could not get any cab. By the time I reached the church, it was 11.45am. We had missed the march in. Still, I managed to have quite a nice time gathering with my old friends.

The rest of the day was better. I checked again and took a picture of the wedding invitation just to make sure I would not go to the wrong venue again. I also hitched a ride from Lian Sim at Bishan, so I was safe.

I also managed to buy a red dress for the dinner. Again, I had to comb heartland malls for a nice, affordable bag and shoes. I bought myself this Guess bag at BHG (Bishan Junction 8). I hated the service (or lack of it) there but I was very very desperate. Still, I emailed CK a picture of the bag for approval. I could almost sense his eyeballs roll skyhigh, but I bought it anyway. Hey, it was affordable!

The shoes were from Charles & Keith (Serangoon Nex) and I bought them while waiting for Sophie to finish her ballet class. They were super high according to my current standards. But honestly, I cannot find anything else that look decent enough, not in my size. Sophie was absolutely delighted to wear my new heels and walk around in them.

At 5.30pm, Betty, my make-up artist and hairstylist arrived. I must admit that I was hoping for a "wow" but she was just alright in her skills. Her strength is obviously on make-up, not hairstyling. I had to point out several problems with her make-up but overall, she was still okay. I am a wee bit more critical maybe because I have a professional make-up diploma even though I do not actively use it.

In any case, the dinner was wonderful. The food was surprising good and not quite the usual stuff you get from wedding dinner. I am sure Serene made sure it was different, knowing how particular she is with food. Her gown were beautiful as well. She looked so radiant and stunning despite her fatigue and stress.

We did not take many pictures. I am relying on her professional photographer, Mabel Lee (mine as well back in 2005), for some good shots. We knew Serene when she went into contract teaching in NCPS. She was very young, barely out of her teens. I still remember how she came to school in traditional costume on the first day and got chided by our principal then. After that, we included her in our "circle" and became good colleagues and friends. Now, she is all grown up and married. We are all so happy for her.

Be mindful

2011-05-01T19:38:00.001-07:00

So how exactly can we be mindful about our toxic thoughts so that we can react with more maturity towards our children in difficult times? I am definitely hopeful that I do not become a depressed or discouraged because of the stress of parenting. And most certainly, I do not want to be a short fused mum. We must start getting into the thought-finding habit since thinking patterns are habits too.

(Based on "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein)

4-Step Plan to Tune In to Toxic Thoughts

1. Listen to your toxic thoughts

· Listen for language of toxic thinking, e.g. “never” or “always”
· Give yourself reminder
· Write it down
· Keep our feelings out of the way

2. Pay attention to how we feel physically, e.g. sweaty palms, headaches, ringing of ears, loud voice or fatigue

· Know how it feels to be tensed and relaxed
· We are so tensed that we often think it is normal and healthy
· When tensed, find the source

3. Determine your triggers for toxic thinking

· Suspend ourselves from ceiling (step out and mentally watch our interaction with our children as it occurs)
· Keep track of power struggles and conflicts
· Realise stressors will change

4. Remain calm

With the awareness of toxic thoughts, we can deal with them better. Mindful parenting takes discipline, effort and maturity. Alternative thoughts will lead to alternative outcomes. We need to prove to ourselves that toxic thoughts are not real, but distortions.

· Find 3 exceptions to the behaviour
· Pretend we are not the parents
· Remember the big picture
· Write it down (positive stuff about ourselves and the child to buffer during challenging times)

We need to eye the prize (outcome) of our effort to eliminate toxic thoughts. It is not going to be easy but we can give ourselves prep talk, visualise an alternative ending, or use a mantra to get by.

Be mindful

2011-05-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

How To Deal With Parental Stress

2011-04-26T01:34:00.000-07:00

Parental stress is inescapable and managing it is the first step to breaking the vicious cycle of toxic thinking. According to the author, there are 17 strategies to lower our anxiety and relax our mind so that we can manage our toxic thoughts.

1. Breathe your way to a clear mind

2. Parent the young dude (or dudette) with gratitude

3. Give yourself the power of positive energy

4. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that can happen?"

5. Be prepared

6. Write it down (be organized)

7. Exercise

8. Don't believe in wasted time

9. You "really need" what?

10. Be flexible in your outlook

11. Get enough sleep

12. Write about it (journal)

13. Talk it out

14. Talk less is good, too

15. Do for others

16. Take a time-out

17. Get away any way you can

As much as I would like to elaborate more on each strategy, I really should not risk becoming too long winded. After all, these are not new ideas and thus, everyone (including myself) should not have any problem applying them. If anyone would want to learn more, please read "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Toxic Thoughts

2011-04-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

"Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein is not the best parenting book you can find, but it deals with an issue that I am growing more and more concerned of - my negative feelings and actions towards Sophie. Why am I so harsh on her if I love her half as much as I claim? Am I a bad parent because I have toxic thinking that leads to some pretty nasty episodes between Sophie and me ? Apparently not. Toxic thoughts are just distortions that impair our ability to understand our children, connect with them and problem solve for improve our situation. There are essentially 9 toxic thought patterns that I can easily identify with.

1. "Always or Never" Trap

Sometimes, Sophie behaves in such an irrational and unreasonable manner that I become overwhelmed with the whole situation. In order to make sense of her behaviour and reduce my own emotional stress and tension, I make statements like "... why are you always like this... " or "... you never listen...". In a way, I am creating the illusion that our problems are not fixable so I cannot really do anything about it. It is a language of giving up and losing faith since I don't know what else I can do anyway. However, according to the author, success in parenting comes from seeing our children's behaviours on a continuum of strengths and weaknesses. If I want to raise Sophie to be emotionally healthy and self reliant child, I must be able to accept her for who she wants to be rather than how I expect her to be.

2. Label Gluing

Of course, I label Sophie. I call her a "comedian" and even "headless chicken" at times when I really cannot stand her. Such labelling grows out of "always or never" thinking. There is no other way to explain her unstoppable mischief and failure in meeting my expectations so I tend to fix those as permanent traits in her. Unfortunately, I might have been demotivating her from making positive changes or improvements since children tend to live up or live down to their parents' expectations. Wonder if it is too much to hope for that it is just a phase she is going through? according to the author, such labels becomes part of the child's permanent identity and it is damaging to the self concept. It also perpetuates the very behaviour that we find objectable.

3. Seething Sarcasm

I am the queen of sarcasm (with pride) but I doubt I would appreciate this as much in Sophie if she ever picks it up from me. I bet I would regard her as "disrespectful" and "defiant" then. Sarcasm are what we don't really mean, mocking exaggerations or opposites implied through our tone of voice. Regretably, they are totally useless for effective communication. It hurts feelings and masks sensitive and vulnerable feelings. I will have to try my best to curtail my sarcasm.

4. Smothering Suspicions

Although I don't think it's applicable to Sophie and me at the moment, I feel that sometimes I do jump into conclusion about her in a negative way, especially in social settings. I worry a lot that she may hurt someone because she is careless or thoughtless, or offend someone with her antics. Often I am fearful of losing control over her when others are around. I cannot imagine what she may be up to if I am not there to leash her.

5. Detrimental Denial

I am definitely not guilty of this particular toxic thought. I think CK and our parents may be more prone to this than me. He tends to give excuses for her behaviours and puts the blame on others. Sophie needs to face reality and cope with consequences of her behaviours (both good and bad).

6. Emotional Overheating

I tend to flare up go into a frenzy fit when Sophie misbehaves and I fail to talk any sense into her. I am desperately trying to help her learn. Sometimes I am torn between letting her make mistakes and protecting her from disappointments. When things get really tough and I want to prevent it from escalating further, I shut down... literally. I ignore her totally even if she begs me to hug and comfort her. Indeed, I tend to react impulsively and impose very rigid expectation of full compliance from her. Such reactions from me might destroy her self-esteem. After each outburst, I often find the whole episode quite benign and unnecessary. As a result, Sophie is terrified of me.

7. Blame Blasting

I used to be quite careful with what I said to Sophie. However, I get very emotional ever since Alfee was born and I verbalise my dark thoughts more often than not. I tend to blame her for being so tired and frustrated all the time. I blame her for everything although I am the one who cannot manage time and two kids. I focus too much on finding the culprit rather than solutions of the problem.

8. "Should" Slamming

Sometimes, I go into my lists of "shoulds" and "musts" on her which inevitably makes her feel guilty and frustrated. Her good intentions, desires and strengths are ignored when I slam her with what I expect her to do, think and feel.

9. Dooming Conclusion

My friends will definitely agree that I am guilty for having thoughts of impending doom about my life, my kids and the world in general. I see all negative behaviours from Sophie as a sign for a more horrifying future to come. Unconsciously, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

So there you have it! I am at least guilty of 8 of the above toxic thinking patterns. I hope I am not running into copyright issues with this blog. I am writing about my own experience, based on what I read from his book. If that should be a problem, I will be more than willing to remove this entry. My next entry will be how I can manage this problem of mine and rebuild my relationship with Sophie.

To be cont'd...

PFS

2011-04-24T17:12:00.000-07:00

I went to NEX with KK last Wednesday for kopi and we toured the library after that. The library was new and the selection was encouraging. My interest in library has been consequently rekindled. A book caught my eye straight away and the title is "Liking The Child You Love: Build A Better Relationship With Your Kids - Even When They're Driving You Crazy" by Jeffrey Bernstein.

Those who know me probably understand why I am particularly driven to read this book. Sophie has been my constant challenge for sanity. I find myself asking why I just cannot keep my cool with her and I feel like a failure as a mother and a teacher. I cannot teach her anything except my daily frustrations and desperation. I cannot look her in the eye without showing my disapproval for whatever she is doing or failing to do. Honestly, I fear that one day she will stop loving me and I will lose her. After all, I am not as “fun” to be with and I am always the one to discipline her.

I have been told too often that my expectations for her are too high so I am never satisfied with her progress and performance. It may be all true but it also makes me feel very guilty and excuses her from all responsibilities. It suggests that the problem lies with me – the mother. Everyone else seems to be perfectly fine with her. Well, that’s probably because no one feels as responsible for her well being, education, and future as me. I have the whole weight of her success or failure in life on my shoulders. And of course, it does not help when others casually make remarks, attributing her behaviour to me.

In the book, the author discussed the Parent Frustration Syndrome (PFS), something every parent would inevitably experience but struggle to admit openly and deal with honestly. We love our children (of course) yet we really cannot stand their behaviour or traits. For Sophie and me, we are in a “love-hate relationship” (we love each other but we can’t stand each other).

And this PFS is fuelled by our own toxic thoughts, which has a powerful impact and influence on how we feel and react in our interaction with our children. They create their own reality and drive toxic behaviours in families. In short, we need to be aware of such toxic thoughts and start doing something about it so that they will not take control of our lives. Ultimately, the success of our parenting is driven by how we view and react to our children, especially during challenging times. And we do have the freedom to choose how we think, feel and react towards our children. For instance, we can do self-talk.

When I was expecting Sophie and doing my masters in counselling, I promised her (and myself) not to be a toxic parent. I wanted to be the best mum ever for her and give her a wonderful childhood. All well and good until our world expanded and others come into play. When the "Jones" moved in, our relationship fell apart. I started expecting more from her and she began to rebel in her own way. Now I have become a terror. She is fearful of me and my anger. I have become a toxic parent with toxic thoughts. Despite all, I doubt anyone understands what I am going through. I have so much anger, fears and guilt that I am never truly happy at all.

To be cont'd...

Restless...

2011-04-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I feel very frustrated by the price war going on in the children books market! There is some fishy stuff going on in the industry apparently. Although consumers always benefit from price war among sellers, people who have already spent good money on the same items (like myself) often suffer (sometimes psychologically)!

Let me make myself clear. Usually, suppliers (local or overseas) distribute their books to local bookstores and schools, the books are priced accordingly to cover the cost of copyright, printing, shipping, shop rental and sale persons etc. Occasionally, you find major distributors also selling books to individuals directly, so they can charge cheaper (no middle man, shop rental and etc). All fine and good, I suppose. It depends on the buyers to be educated and source for the best price.

Nowadays, consumers are flocking to online bookstores, bulk purchases and overseas sprees for cheaper alternatives. The savings can be quite substantial (sometimes up to 50%), not to mention that some of the items cannot even be found in our local market. Now, I am quite keen on finding the best deals for children books because we do not visit libraries (pathetic from variety to quantity to service to policy) and children outgrow their books very quickly which means we have to keep buying suitable books. However, I am also skeptical about "cheap" deals. Nothing, to me, comes cheap without a "buyers beware" tag behind.

So beware buyers... If it is very cheap, it is released a year or more ago and the distributors or sellers need to clear stock. Sometimes, it does not matter because the books are classic anyway. However, certain books are updated and even amended in their latest edition so buyers beware. I would not buy a book about our solar system if Pluto is still a planet. Of course, some books are also too yellowish and old to sell at their usual price. I mean, some sellers even admit candidly that their prices are slashed because they have stocks to clear. Sometimes, the books are no longer in print and the "set" sold by these sellers are actually incomplete. Mind you, "10 books in a set" is not the same as "complete set of 10 books"! Another possible reason for price cut - errors in print. Personally, I have bought bilingual or chinese books with very misleading or even mistakes in translations.

In short, be careful and look for the history of the seller. Any complaints? Any problems such as delays in shipping or delivery etc? Sometimes, the book may be very cheap (first payment), but the shipping (second payment) may end up a few times more costly than the book itself. Also, keep your correspondence open and public so that you can help inform one another and understand the procedure and potential issues involved. Check the terms and conditions, you will find that all sellers tell you they will not not be responsible for anything with their goods and you "must be comfortable with the terms and conditions" aka "buy at your own risk"! Of course, these sellers are also not obligated to keep your mailing details confidential. It is common to see sellers acting unprofessionally. When it comes to terms and conditions or when a problem arises, they refer you back to the "agreement" and "declaimer". But if they fail to reply your enquiry promptly or there is some delay in delivery, for instance, they will give you ":P" and say "sorry hor, it has been a busy week for me, so..." etc. Totally unprofessional.

If you still feel "safe" buying from them, always do some checks on the items before you make the purchase. Ask for date of release, ISBN or anything that can help you search for its retail price in major bookstores. Research for book reviews and check for future publications before deciding if they are worth buying. I am speaking from experience (mistakes) and I have nothing to gain from sharing my views on this industry. Of course, there are also genuine and good sellers out there so good luck and happy shopping! Time to go on a spree again!!!

Excuse Me...

2011-04-11T10:35:00.000-07:00

There are 5 main scapegoats responsible for the cryogenic suspension of my blogs and until now, I still have little success in their resuscitation.

1. Alfee, my little man. First, it was my pregancy with him. It was all about self care and Sophie's emotional well-being then so I hardly have any energy left for blogging. Then after he was born, it was tough to juggle caring for two kids and lots of sibling rivalry from Sophie. Blogging just was not my priority.

2. I-ism (IPod, IPad and Iphone). They are so user-friendly and convenient that my laptop becomes totally annoying to use. The only problem, I cannot blog with any of them!

3. Facebook. My friends are on FB more often than my blog so naturally, it makes more sense to post on FB rather than on my blogs. And it is so easy to upload, of course. At the end of the day, I want the most efficient way of posting and blogging is just too time-consuming.

4. Papa. Recently, he lost 3 months of my photographs (picture folder) when he transferred it to my portable harddrive. We need to retrieve it with some PC doctor but I cannot leave my laptop with someone else (who knows what he will retrieve?). Now there is a gap in records so I cannot function properly! (I did say they are scapegoats, right?

5. Recently, I did some work for TheAsianParent (yet to be paid!) so I am not sure how to blog about it so that I will not infringe copyright.

I am still trying my best to somehow go back to blogging. It does not help that we are in midlife crisis now and we just want to shop shop and shop our time away. I have been buying so much stuff that I am running out of closet space in my apartment! As though I am making up for lost time (or shopping). Okay, no time to waste... time to shop online again!

Meet Alexander & Berkeley

2011-04-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

We went shopping at Takashimaya and on impulse, I let CK buy me a handbag. The original plan was to shop for a leather briefcase as my anniversary cum birthday present for him, but he convinced me that I needed a handbag as well. As a result, we are now happy but slightly embarrassed owners of Alexander and Berkeley by Louis Vuitton.

Mummy Woes

2011-02-24T08:36:00.000-08:00

I wish I was ignorant. Then I wouldn't know my mother's love for her children. Her yearning heart for her grandchildren's laughter. And her growing pain that separates them.

I wish I was ignorant. Then I couldn't see my own inadequacy. My futile struggle to make things right. And my guilt that gnaws at me.

But I am not ignorant and I thank God for that. For I know I am just a mere mortal with earthly strengths and flaws. That I have my loved ones in mind when I pray.

Migraine

2011-02-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

My goodness! I was really exhausted because of Sophie and Alfee, but I did not realise just how badly my body needed a rest. One moment I was reading a parenting book and the next I was seeing nothing but blackness and flashes of light. I thought my eyes were tired, but they did not get better after a few minutes. instead, the blackness grew bigger. I panicked. I quickly close my eyes to rest, only to allow my senses to detect a dull but intensifying pain above my eyes. And the familiar nausea that hit me right in the stomach. I knew then, I was having a migraine attack.

Fearing that it may escalate into a full blown episode again, I headed for the showers, wolfed down a bun and Panadol, smeared medicated oil on my forehead and did a timeout on myself. After an hour or so, I lost the pain and I could see again. However, I know it was still lurking around so I quickly settle my kids for the day and rested. I never experience such an attack and I hope I was right that it was just an migraine.

Bugs

2011-02-23T18:14:00.001-08:00

Here's a season to lose sleep... Bad weather and new term, Sophie is down again with fever and cough. Second one since school begins. Somehow her body can't cope with the new routine (half the term gone already), so she just succumbs to bugs... Hopefully Alfee would be spared! He is due for jabs next week and I m still a little traumatized by what happened the last time we did it (fever, UTI, antibiotics, scan and MCU etc). Just had a nightmare and I can shake the image off! Usually I am able to know it's a dream but I was too tired just now to tell apart dreams and reality...Checked on Sophie and found her cold little body curled like a prawn. She kicked off her blanket and her fever broke, so she was shivering. When we co-sleep, she would just hug me for warm (maybe the other way round). But now I have to separate Alfee and her... The bed seems too big now.

Season To Lose Sleep

2011-02-20T18:14:00.000-08:00

Here's a season to lose sleep... Bad weather and new term, Sophie is down again with fever and cough. Second one since school begins. Somehow her body can't cope with the new routine (half the term gone already), so she just succumbs to bugs...

Hopefully Alfee wld b spared! He is due for jabs next week and I m still a little traumatized by what happened the last time we did it (fever, UTI, antibiotics, scan and MCU etc). Just had a nightmare and I can shake the image off! Usually I m able to know it's a dream but I was too tired just now to tell apart dreams and reality...

Checked on Sophie and found her cold little body curled like a prawn. She kicked off her blanket and her fever broke, so she was shivering. When we co-sleep, she would just hug me for warm (maybe the other way round). But now I have to separate Alfee and her... The bed seems too big now.

A Dream Come True?

2011-02-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

After Sophie was born, I started hoping for a job that allows me to work from home. Despite all, I still want to work and I have not been able to find any job since then. Recently, I saw an ad in Facebook for freelance writer so I quickly wrote in. I did not think my chances were high because the response was overwhelming. Yet, I received a message last week by the editor that she likes my work (mainly blogs and crafts) and she wants me to write for them. Imagine my excitement! Nothing confirmed but I am expecting some assignments soon. I love the feeling that I can be contributing economically again! And to do what I enjoy - craft and writing! I am so lucky.

Not Enriching Enough

2011-01-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

Sophie has been enrolled in 3 different enrichment classes - I Can Read (Bukit Timah Plaza), Act 3 (Cairnhill), and Berries (Bishan CPF Building). And we are withdrawing from Berries and I Can Read, we are still considering Act 3. Here's why although it is largely our own opinion.

After 9 sessions at I Can Read, we decided that the branch is not very fantastic and the curriculum for her at this stage (Little Learners) is not as structured as I have hoped, unlike the formal I Can Read programme. It looks very ad hoc to me with badly photocopied worksheets and there is no contents page to tell us what to expect in the coming weeks or written note of the curriculum to parents. Also, we never get to observe the class so I have no clue what was done every week. As a formal teacher, these are tell tale signs of potential problems. After discussing with Sophie's principal in school, we also came to the conclusion that the Spalding Method taught in school is sufficient and she really does not need to get herself confused with other methods of learning how to read.

As for Berries, we only attended 2 sessions so far. I am not particularly impressed by the workbooks. The contents are simple and unattractive althought it is activity-based. The classroom management has been great though. There are at least 3 teachers I see in her class, each carrying out specific activities and the smaller groups are rotated among them. Frankly, I do not mind carrying on. However, the timing and location are not favorable to us. We have to rush there after lunch (1.30pm) and hang around for 1.5 hours. There isn't much at Junction 8 or anywhere nearby. After that, we are neither good for dinner or anything else. We still have to kill time before heading for dinner. Thus, Papa does not want to continue.

As for Act 3, we like it but again, location is bad although timing is okay. The place is very small and parking is a huge problem. If it rains (like last Saturday), we will face a lot of difficulties. Sadly, this is the only enrichment class Sophie actually likes. They spell out the focus of each lesson every week and they bother to chat with us about what they do in class. I think if they don't want us to watch the lesson, it is only fair that they debrief us or let us know exactly what they do in class.

But of course, I am only speaking from my own experience with them. I am sure they provide good enrichment lessons which is why I enrolled her in the first place. However, I think Papa is right. We should let her attend enrichment classes in her own school. Her teachers know her better and they know which area to focus on, especially when Chinese is concerned. They have Chinese Speech & Drama which hopefully can arouse her interest in the langauge, and Chinese enrichment classes that focus on the everyday usage (largely conversational and vocabulary expansion) of the language. We can also enroll her in English Speech & Drama class (trainer is one of Act 3 founders) and Dance class (we already did!). Thus, we probably will finish the term of existing enrichment classes and join the school's own programmes in term 2.

This would mean Sophie would no longer take naps in the afternoon and she would take her lunch in school. I would see her less in the day. We will probably do Chinese Speech & Drama (Monday), Chinese Enrichment (Tuesday), English Speech & Drama (Thursday) and Dance (Friday). Maybe Yamaha on weekends. I actually miss her but I know we would have more time together in the weekends.

New Year New Resolution

2011-01-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

This year, I have a couple of major resolutions. First, I want to take care of myself a bit more. I have not been very conscious of my physical appearance or well-being since Sophie was born. Things got worse after Alfee was born. I look like I am perpetually in bed (PJ and all) and I hardly have my own time anymore. Thus, this morning, I forced myself to deposit Alfee with my helper and went into a salon to have my hair cut. Although I don't look very different, I feel more groomed. I would like to slowly replace my wardrobe which consists mainly of "over-worn" maternity wear, nursing wear and old t-shirts (at least 20 years old). When Alfee is a little older and does not need my milk anymore, I will start exercing and lose my excess weight. I would also like to work on an online business plan. Now I am still struggling to manage my kids so I need to take things slow. Hopefully, I can get something done before the end of the year. So, my friends... please support me.

Confession Of A Not-Too-Capable Mum

2010-12-21T00:16:00.001-08:00

I have not been actively blogging for the past 4 months and for a good reason - Alfee. He is really a bundle of joy and pain, quite literally. The last time we weighed him, about two weeks ago, he was 7.5 kg. My whole body aches from just holding and rocking him. Like Sophie, he loves to be held and rocked... all the time! And of course, he sleeps very often in the day, but for very short span of 15 to 30 minutes usually. Fortunately, he sleeps quite well at night although he wakes up a few times for some milk and suckling. While I find the nights more manageable, the days are quite challenging. Because of his demanding nature and bouts of insane wailing, I am unable to do much of anything with Sophie.

Sophie has not been responding well to such unstructured lifestyle as well. I would be reading to her one minute and pacifying Alfee the next. That drives her crazy. After a while, she just gives up trying to do anything with me! I have to choose really short and easy activities to do with her or pick a golden moment when Alfee is asleep. And I also get my helper to carry him so that I can complete a drawing or read a book to Sophie. It is a hate-hate situation for sure. I hate leaving Alfee to my helper and I hate neglecting Sophie.

I hope when school starts in January, Sophie will be well and happy at school in the morning. That will give me the mornings with Alfee while she is away. After school, I will get my helper to coax him to sleep or entertain him while I do some work with Sophie. We have put aside our original intention of enrichment programmes in her school. She gets really cranky without her nap. Besides, we have I Can Read, Act 3 and Berries in the weekends. And we are still considering Little Notes from Yamaha. The rest will have to wait, I guess. My fingers are crossed that she would cope and learn well.

My Family

2010-11-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

I have always been a very pessimistic and melancholic person despite whatever people around me think of me. However, I truly believe I am very blessed to have my family. We are not perfect, in fact, we are quite far from that. Such imperfections constantly challenge our faith and love for one another. At times, we drove one another to the brink of insanity. Yet without such fights, we would never learn acceptance and forgiveness. And I think love is all about affection, acceptance, devotion and forgiveness.

It is my wish that Sophie and Alfee love and take care of each other, especially after we are gone. I hope they would sit and talk about their childhood days for hours when they are all grown up with children of their own. Perhaps they would read my blogs and remember how much we so very love them.

A Moment Of Sanity

2010-11-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

Gosh... my last entry was two months ago. It is not because I have nothing to blog about, definitely. I just have not got the time or energy to playback the events of each day in my mind and come up with the words to retell them. Each day passes by quickly and leaves a fuzzy mark behind... I seem to have lost track of time or maybe time has lost its meaning. I just know I have to manage a colicky baby who chokes at my breasts and a jealous big sister who regresses for attention. Not to forget, a domestic helper with a rebellious nature.

Well, not everything is bad. I still have my sanity and sense of humour although there were times I thought they no longer existed. Alfee's colic is now more manageable and Sophie... well, she is still Sophie. Her teachers at Cherrybrook said she is "wilful" and "socially needy". I agree. Of course, they also say loads of good stuff about her. She has an eye for details, good memory, sense of order and cheery deposition. She is bold and inquistive. She is very helpful towards others as well. But I am more concerned about her weaknesses. She can be very difficult to manage if she chooses to. And she always needs someone around to interact with. She is not a clingy child, on the contrary, she can be quite independent if I allow her to be. She just cannot bear to be alone. I need to come up with some strategy to make those character traits become her assets.

That is my plan for her next year. To cultivate patience, perseverance and self discipline in her and nurture her social skills. By now, I have come to terms with her character traits or flaws although it is not always easy for me to manage our interaction. After all, I am not a patient person myself. I never really got to work on this particular character flaw. I guess this is the perfect chance for me to do so. In order to help Sophie, I need to work on my own issues. Besides all the social-emotional stuff, I am exposing her to more preschool sort of activities, like dot-to-dot, colouring, tracing, mazes and what not. I hope our home learning can resume, yet I am taking it slow. With Alfee around, I am not sure how to work out a schedule that works for us. So far, it has been chaos and all the activities I did with Sophie were spontaneous.

The most significant change for Sophie would be her school life. Next year se would be in the morning from 8 am to 1 pm. This means no naptime in the morning. Longer hours also means she must feed herself and go diaperless. I intend to let her attend the enrichment programmes in her school as well. Very exciting. She gets to do speech and drama in Mandarin and English, soccer, dance and partipate in activities conducted in Mandarin. Outside school, she would be doing I Can Read, Little Notes and Berries. I hope I can come up with some art curriculum for her, since I cannot find an art school suitable for her.

CK's Back To Work

2010-09-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

When I had Sophie, CK took a month's leave to help out at home. Now, he could only take 2.5 weeks of leave. Today, he had to go back to work. Although he was worried about me and the kids, I know he would probably go insane if he had to stay at home one more day. Sophie has been a tough cookie to manage and she tends to "bully" her daddy. As for me, I really appreciate the extra pair of hands especially when I have to care for Alfee. Yet, I also know that the sooner I take over the kids, the easier it is for things to normalise and stablise (at least with Sophie). Thus, this is the beginning of just me and 2 kids (excluding my domestic helper) at home in the day.

Our day is typically divided into 3 parts nowadays - morning, afternoon and night. Mornings are the most chaotic and busy for all of us. We have to settle Sophie's morning routine (toilet visits, changing out of her PJ, breakfast, toothbrushing), activity time, tv time, lunch (at 10am), her shower and finally naptime. Right now, Sophie is on medication (both western and TCM) so a little more coordination is needed. With Alfee around, Sophie's schedule is occasionally disrupted by his nursing time, diaper change and other needs (colicky). CK has to wake up earlier to keep Sophie busy and complete her morning routine while I carry our Alfee's morning routine (nursing, changing out of his PJ, wash up, tummy rub etc).

On school days, Sophie leaves for school with my dad around 1 pm and comes back by 5 pm. This gives me some time to spend quality time with Alfee and catch up on some sleep (ideally). Perhaps I can even squeeze in some blogging time as well. However, this is the week of school holidays. Sophie can only be a TV junkie for now. I really cannot do much with her with Alfee at my breast every 1.5 to 2 hours. Evenings are particularly stressful. I have to feed Sophie at 5 pm, followed by her bath and bedtime routine which total up to be 2.5 hours typically. I have to take Alfee everywhere we go and be flexible about each task at hand.

I guess at this point, my priority is to let Sophie adjust to the new member of our family. Alfee is here to stay so it is best that they learn to accomodate each others' needs and wants. The less Sophie disturbs him, the more time I will have to spend with her. Of course, I am making conscious effort to spend more time with Sophie especially after I breastfeed Alfee. And she is fast becoming my helper as well.

My Babies

2010-08-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

By this time tomorrow, I will have Alfee in my arms. I am saying this with a heavy heart though because I am very nervous about the entire procedure and the coming week. Perhaps, I am not being very fair to Alfee because the bulk of my worries is how Sophie copes with my absence and his arrival. Having said that, I do anticipate Alfee's arrival with great joy and excitement. A new baby! My son! I will very soon be a mother of two beautiful children. No matter how much Sophie drives me up the wall, she is a beautiful little girl with a very innocent heart. She is always cheerful and enthusiastic to experience life and explore the world around her. I hope Alfee will also share her passion and sense of adventure. Certainly, I will raise them to be good companions to each other, keeping sibling rivalry to the minimum. After all, I never really enjoyed my childhood with my brother and sister and that is my lifelong regret.

Recently, I sang Sophie to sleep with "Rock-A-Bye-Baby". I came to realise how much she wants me to revert back to our old ways - I always sang to her when she was an infant in my arms. She must have missed that a lot but she does not know how to tell me. As she grew older, our expectations and the way we treat her change dramatically. We smile, sing and chat less to her. Instead, we frown, scold and reason with her more. We also spend more time on explicit learning and cut down on playing (just for the sake of playing) time. To her, I must have lost my sense of humour. She would stroke my forehead gently as I lay beside her at night, attempting to smoothen my frown. "Why are you angry?", "I don't want to make you angry.","I want to make you happy!" she would often say.

I feel sorry for her. I am not particular patient with children and she has to bear all my wrath and idiosyncrasies. I will haveto bear that in mind as I manage her from now on. After all, as mentioned by her principal, she is still "emotionally little" and I need to be "lovingly firm" with her. She is my precious baby (always will be) and I love her so much.

Last Lap

2010-08-12T05:14:00.000-07:00

Alfee is currently 3.2 kg and ready to see the world next Wednesday. This time, we made a few changes to our birth and confinement plan. We booked a better hospital room and we intend to establish breastfeeding before we discharge. I am leaving the household chores and cooking to my domestic helper so even if my parents are around, they would be overworked. Although we still refuse to engage a confinement nanny, I believe I am definitely more experienced now to cope with a newborn. Also, we are equipped with better facilities now with changing tables, baby bouncer and gym mat. This time, I have made mental rehearsal of how things ought to be done, including Sophie in the process. I have not packed my hospital bag but the things are all put in the baby cot bed already.

My second pregnancy has been a difficult journey for me, partly because I have Sophie to attend to at the same time. I feel a little guilty that I have not been spending enough time or energy bonding with Alfee, compared to when I had Sophie. I was constantly bombarded with love hormones while I had Sophie, but I am always worried, tired and uptight nowadays. I have been very careful with my food intake as well so poor Alfee has not been enjoying much food. I also give Sophie a lot of attention and shower her with gifts to show that my love for her will only grow with the arrival of a new baby.

Suddenly, I feel very vulnerable and inadequate as a mother. I am not sure if I can provide Alfee with the same (or better) kind of quality care and education I have given Sophie. I am also not confident that Sophie will be getting enough of my attention and time once Alfee is born. I want to continue her home learning but I have not been very fruitful with my attempts. I got angry easily and my energy depleted even more easily. Things have not been moving much or smoothly at all. Sophie talks a lot more now but she has little interest for actual reading and her Chinese is still very amateurish. Maths is a problem as well. And she still does not want to start writing. I know she is only 2 years 8 months old but I want to start earlier before it is too late.

Face On

2010-07-06T17:03:00.000-07:00

Alfee's face (32 weeks)

After we sent Sophie to school (first day), we hurried to TMC for our appointment with Dr Tan. Although we left Ah Gong in the office waiting, we left with a heavy heart. For the past month, I have gained 2.3 kg (a little over my target) but my blood sugar was 5.4 so I am still glad. Alfee is around 1.9 kg now. Hopefully, he will stay obediently inside until full term. I do not know why but somehow I have a feeling he cannot wait to come out and see the world, unlike Sophie who preferred to stay inside for as long as possible.

New Chapter

2010-07-01T23:37:00.000-07:00

Sophie's teachers told me today that she is "more than ready" to cross over to the kindergarten side. So she would be officially in Nursery 1 from next week. That is a huge step for both me and Sophie. We are officially separated (after more than 3 years, including gestation) as an "entity" and Sophie has to fend for herself from now on. Well, at least in school...

Apart from getting her school uniform and other essentials, I have to get familiar with the school's culture and curriculum. For instance, they follow the Montessori philosophy and uses the Spalding Method for English lessons. I am familiar with Montessori but not the Spalding Method... yet. I have ordered books on it though so I have lots to read up on. I am also slowly teaching Sophie Chinese at home. I started with basic vocabulary (body parts) and so far, she was quite receptive. In school, she would probably learn Chinese according to themes as well but lots more singing and fingerplays.

Apart from the core aspects of learning English (writing, speaking, spelling, reading), the children also follow themes for their English lessons. The first theme is "Sea Creatures" which would stretch 2 weeks. At the end of the two weeks, they would visit Underwater World in Sentosa (field trip). I like the idea personally but I worry if I could tag along with my bump getting bigger each day. Also, they have Art and Music Appreciation Programme and this term, they are doing "Paul Klee" and "Mozart". I am not sure how they would do it though. I like the fact that they send us newsletter to inform us about their plans for the term. That way, I can reinforce on my own at home.

The only concern - I am still not done with my Alphabet books so should I shelf it or do it concurrently?

"求人不如求己"

2010-06-23T02:34:00.000-07:00

I finally understood the meaning of "求人不如求己" and it all started with my attempt to look for a Chinese home tutor for Sophie. I have always been very resistant to teaching her Chinese, partly because I feel that I am not good enough. After my experience with the trial lesson I had arranged for Sophie, I am convinced that I can probably do the job better. At least I would do more research and use better materials. Even if my standard is not good enough, Sophie will somehow grasp the basics. My only foes - "时间" and "心有余而力不足".

Grief

2010-06-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read about a 3-year-old girl who died after eating some hawker food in Indonesia. She died in her mother's arm while they were rushing to the hospital in a boat. Sophie is 2.5 years old. I cannot imagine losing her. Everytime I think about it, my heart would hurt with emptiness and despair. I probably would be overcome by grief if anything bad ever happen to her. Then I heard about my friend's miscarriage and I thought about my own pregnancy. It has been tough to care for Sophie at the same time. And this pregnancy has not been easy either. I doubt I could handle it well if anything should happento Alfee either. It must be really a struggle for any mother to cope with their loss and grief.

Sushi Making Session (Gathering)

2010-06-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Our Sushi Making Session at Annie’s place yesterday was a great opportunity for me to take a break from “educating” and “managing” Sophie. It has been so tough for us to remain civilised to each other that I welcomed the few hours of relief with open arms. I needed to be in the company of adults again; I missed that so much.

I gathered a lot of insights about parenting this afternoon also. All the mummies there are overworked, extremely dedicated and very loving towards their children. Compared to them, my experience seems a lot less intense. Sophie is alright... normal at least. I just need to exercise patience and let her develop according to her own pace.

Think-A-Lot On A Rainy Day

2010-06-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

Ever since young, I have never considered myself a person who is blessed with close friends or kindred spirits. It just never happened. I used to fret over it and even cry over it, but now I just manage it. I know I do not think or act quite like others and I never will. I am envious of course when I see others getting all the support, encouragement and help from their peers. However, I know that it is important for me to be self reliant because ultimately no one can lead my life for me. In any case, I seldom ask that from my peers.

Disciplining Sophie

2010-06-09T02:59:00.001-07:00

It has been really challenging for the past month for me to carry out activities with Sophie and blog about them. We all took turns feeling down with flu. There were days that we could not keep our spirits high enough to be civilised with one another. It does not help when Alfee is demanding attention as well. He has been moving around a lot and he often pushes himself against my tummy, making it hard for me to breathe.

CK’s work load has also increased tremendously, compared to his previous job, so he has much less time with us on weekdays. To top it off, my parents has been sick as well. Thus, they have to keep their distance from Sophie. Although it is the June holidays and we do not attend Cherrytots, I find it hard to function normally.

I guess it is also around this period that Sophie’s need for “autonomy” goes into full swing. She struggles with daily wants and needs that cannot be easily satisfied by me. I am either stricken by fear for her safety or frustration for the lack of progress in our daily operations. Her ability to communicate has also improved so she can articulate her thoughts and feelings much better and her expectations on us to accommodate her have been raised by a few notches too. Thus, there is a lot more negotiating and arguing than before. Yet cognitively, she cannot understand our intentions and lack of compassion at her desperation for independence.

After doing some asking around and research, we tried to apply strategies that are widely used and promoted.

1. Offer Choices

Sophie has an issue with tasks like diaper change, toilet visits (toilet training now), bath and even meals. She would run and make us chase her around the house whenever we tell her it is time to do those tasks. So, we used to grab her screaming and kicking and “force” her to comply.

Nowadays I would offer her choices. I would let her know a few minutes earlier before it is time for the task and then give her the option.

For example,

“Do you want to walk to the bathroom yourself or do you want me to drag / carry you there?”

“You bathe now or sleep in the bathroom tonight!”

“Put away your toys or I will throw them away!”

2. Clear and Easy-To-Understand Rules

Sophie would sometimes hit us out of anger and frustrations or for fun. I used to give her my infamous glare and yell at her to stop doing that.

Nowadays, I give her a stern and low warning.

For example,

"YOU do not hit MUMMY!"

”Do that again and you are going to sit in the room by yourself!”
Sophie is quite a TV addict, so she would scream and cry when I switch the TV off. I used to just walk away and let her wail but it became a concern when she could reach and turn the TV back on again. Sometimes she even threw the remote control to vent her frustration.

Nowadays, she would switch off the TV herself (using the remote control) after a programme. It all started when I gave her clear conditions for watching TV. I told her if she wanted to watch TV, she could not cry or protest when I switch it off after the show. Once agreed, she could watch TV in peace and I let her switch the TV off herself.

3. Sense Of Control

I hated it when she demanded, “I want to do it myself!” although I should be proud of her. The problem is she loses interest and starts messing up whenever we let her have her way.

Nowadays, I “scotch tape” my eyes and let her try doing everything herself. However, I do not want her to think that I am giving in to her demands and cries. So, I would ask her if she wants to do it before she can demand to do it herself. When she loses interest or stops doing it, I would take over and the rest would be smooth sailing.

4. Distraction

This is probably the most used method for us. We used it whenever Sophie gets obsessed with something that we cannot provide for her. I must give credit to Papa though. In order to distract her from some impending tantrum, he would cup his hands and say to her, "Look Sophie, what's inside? It's fresh air!" However, we found that she remembers too well and the distraction cannot last long, unfortunately.

5. “Naughty Corner”

I never really like the idea of a naughty corner. It is like an escape route for bad behaviour and it makes Sophie seem “naughty”. Thus, I would direct her to her playroom or bedroom and leave her alone while I cool off. Of course she would wail and try to come out, but I would direct her back. I think it is my own anger that needs to be managed and this method works for me. On its own, it does not really do much for Sophie’s behaviour.

6. Ignore

Sophie is very dramatic whenever she throws a tantrum. She would plunge into my arms and beg for my forgiveness, "It's my fault, I am so sorry!". Then she would cling on to me and pleaded for a hug and a kiss. She is smart because I would not be able to scold her since she does most of the talking. I used to get so frustrated that I just walk off with her following behind. Realising that she is relentless in her pursuit, I make sure she stays out of my sight and vice versa. I think “ignoring” helps to demonstrate that tantrums does not get anyone anywhere.

In a nutshell, I am always struggling to discipline her and that really wears me out. On one hand, I am tempted to use the “quick fix” and “terrorise” her into compliance. On the other, I know that is not a good parenting strategy and it does not help her develop self discipline. So by the end of the day, I am frustrated, exhausted and guilty. Currently, I am retreating and doing research again on parenting and discipline. Hopefully, I can learn something good.

Alfee, My Boy

2010-06-08T23:45:00.000-07:00

I am always worried at the clinic during our check-ups. There is a whole host of potential problems, including gestational diabetes, to worry about. Fortunately, I only put on 1.4 kg for the past month and 500g went to Alfee. He is currently around 1.26 kg, which is a good weight. I wonder how heavy he would be by the time he is 40 weeks old. I hope we can maintain a good 2kg increase of weight per month till end August.

Validation

2010-06-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

I received a comment from a complete stranger about one of my video uploads of Sophie. It was posted in September last year and she was doing a bean mosiac then. At that time, we were still participating in the Open-ended Art organised by an American blogger mummy. She was asking me for details to our craft because she was using it for her Early Childhood Education. Of course, I referred her to my blog. I feel so encouraged by the comments.

Although I know I am hardly qualified in Early Childhood Education, there should be things I do right with Sophie. And open-ended art is probably one of them. Unfortunately, we have stopped doing open-ended art ever since my American blogger friend stopped hosting it with her weekly themes. Maybe I should do my own themes. Anyway, I always believe in sharing of information and knowledge to promote progress.

Alfee's Progress

2010-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

Alfee at 24 weeks (715g)

We had a busy afternoon today. We went for our routine check up at TMC before rushing down to meet our tutor at Cherrybrook. Alfee is growing well at 24 weeks, weighing approximately 715g. I am, on the other hand, putting on too much weight. So far, I have gained almost 6 kg since the start of my pregnancy. Although it might not seem much, I must start controlling my weight gain or I might end up with gestational diabetes again. Easier said than done though. I am hungry ALL THE TIME! My gynae said I am doing weightlifting with Sophie and Alfee would definitely be bigger than his "zair zair".

Self Care

2010-05-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ever since I resigned, especially after Sophie was born, I have been neglecting my physical appearance. Although CK does not really mind, I do not feel groomed at all and I feel bad when we meet his friends or colleagues outside. For someone who believes firmly that grooming is a form of respect for the self, as well as others, this is highly unacceptable. Having said that, I am also not in favour of over indulgence in beauty products. Beauty products should enhance one's looks and not create an entirely new persona. Thus, I go for the basics when cosmetics and skin care products are concerned. Lately, I try to pay more attention to my looks. And I realised how much I have aged since we got married.

Occasional Panic

2010-04-14T07:06:00.000-07:00

Whenever I came across popular blogs or read comments of other parents, I would get a little worried. Most of the time, I read about parents raving about the use of flashcards in reading, speech and whatever. I also read about their success stories in sleep and toilet training. Of course I am envious that their children can achieve so much at such a tender age. However, I wonder what sort of world Sophie would have to face in the future as well.

Sadly, it is a performance-based society. It does not matter HOW one does it so long as one can show WHAT has been done. No one seems to value a child's passion, innocence and creativity anymore. Of course people still talk fondly of their "cute" children, but these qualities are not valued. Instead, people look at how early they can read or write, how many extra-curriculum activities they can cope with, and how well they can function independently without their parents. Doubt me? Just listen to the conversations of most parents nowadays.

I am not immune to this either. However, I make it a point to appreciate Sophie's personality and focus more on the process of learning and the passion in knowledge acquisition rather than the outcome. Having said that, I know the world would not be as forgiving towards her. She would be judged according to their standards. For that, I am terrified for her. I do not know if she would be resilient and brave enough to deal with others. Hopefully, I can prepare her and build a strong character in her. I believe this is more important than toilet training, sleeping independently and self-help skills. These would come in time with enough practise and encouragement, but inner strength might take a lifetime to cultivate.

Now that Alfee is coming into our lives, I have asked myself many times if I would do anything differently in raising him. Yes, of course. But I would not change my philosophy. No flashcards. No hard core learning. Just plenty of activities to get him all excited about learning new concepts and mastering new skills. Hopefully, my kids would grow up to appreciate my efforts in their upbringing... some day.

Little Alfee's Detailed Scan

2010-04-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

XD at 20 weeks

We did a detailed scan today. Everything is good and we got quite a good look at Alfee. At the end of it all, we received a CD-Rom of all the images captured during the scan. However, this is my favourite. It is Alfee's profile and he has his hand right in front of his face. I strongly believe that he will turn out just as playful and cheeky as his sister. Strange enough, I finally feel that Alfee is on his way into our lives after this scan. Prior to this, I was still trying to cope with the morning sickness and all. Now I am eating better (putting on weight quickly) and I am thinking of him more. Our new EDD is 30 August. I hope I will get everything ready by then.

Alfee, My Son.

2010-04-05T04:44:00.000-07:00

Alfee is most certainly different from Sophie when she was in my tummy. Even before I officially found out about his gender, I had guessed that he would be a boy. When I had Sophie, I wanted a boy but luckily she is a lovely girl. I thought I could have another girl so that Sophie would have a sister for companion. Well, obviously I did not have much say in that. Everyone says it is a blessing that my second child is a boy because now our family is complete. Although I am only lukewarm about this perspective, I know Alfee will bring a lot of new experiences and joy to us. After all, it must be quite different raising a boy.

Sophie's Down Again

2010-03-31T19:10:00.000-07:00

It seems like Sophie would fall sick every 3 months or so. This time, she started with a few days of sneezing and eventually it has become a runny nose and cough. So, no sleep for me again...

While Daddy Is Away

2010-03-30T20:50:00.001-07:00

My dad signed up a package tour to New Zealand a couple of months ago, long before he found out about my mum’s condition. Her diabetes can no longer be controlled by oral medication so she needs the insulin jabs now. Her doctor advised that prolonged intake of diabetic medication can cause kidney problems so insulin jabs are much safer and effective for her. However, it is tough for my mum to accept this new arrangement. She cannot jab herself or even prick her own finger for the blood tests. She relies on my dad to do it for her. For that, I admire my dad. He is 70 years old and yet he is willing to learn how to do it.

For my mum, this is a step closer to death. Before my grandma died, she was on insulin jabs and she had to amputate part of her leg (knee down) due to diabetes. My mum thinks she is following my grandma’s footsteps. She has tremendous fear that as she becomes sicker, nobody will care for her. At the same time, she feels guilty for putting all of us in this current situation. Although she claims she is too stressed out to learn how to jab herself and all, I know she is slowly and secretly learning just in case no one will do it for her one day.

While my dad is away, I am responsible for jabbing my mum every night. The plan was for her to sleep over at our place. I could not sleep the first night, wondering if she was okay and checking on her every now and then. I had nightmares about it. I fear that the needle would break inside as I pull it out. I worry about insulin shock if I gave her too much. Then my mum decided she can sleep better at her own place, so CK drives her home every night. That worries me even more since I can no longer monitor her at night.

When I was just becoming confident, my mum suffered food poisoning in the middle of the night two days ago. After she left our place, she started vomiting and had severe diarrhoea. No one knew because she did not want to “bother” us. She subsequently got better in the morning and called me. I was totally shocked and saddened that she did not inform me earlier. What if she needed to be hospitalised or injured herself during the night? Apparently, my brother called her that night (thinking that he had missed her call) and she told him. Yet, it did not occur to him to inform me or attend to her that night.

I did not pursue the matter. I know my mum feels bad about relying on others so I try not to magnify it. My parents took care of me for the past two years because Sophie was young and dependent. I really cannot turn down anything they want me to do for them now. My dad put my mum in my care while he is away, something that he would not do unless he has got no other choice. If I would to ask my brother to share the burden, my parents would think that I am not willing to help them. Thus, I shall carry the burden myself. And make it seem like a piece of cake!

Over Rainbow Hurdles

2010-03-19T05:54:00.001-07:00

People always tell us that we would become complacent with our second and subsequent pregnancies. I guess our little Alfee could not let that happen and I must say, he has succeeded. His presence is very felt and there isn't a single day we don't think (worry) about him.

At first, there was some spotting and my gynaecologist labelled him as "threatened abortion". Then came a series of unstoppable morning sickness, unbearable bloatedness, loss of appetite and mysterious hives. Unfortunately, my condition has not been improving at all and I doubt I would ever enter the "honeymoon" period. Still, I entered my "nesting" period and started bought a bouncer and playgym for him.

Then came the Oscar Test results a few days after that, and put my nesting instincts in cold storage. We waited almost a month before we could do an amniocentesis procedure. And the results would only be ready in two weeks. We opted for PCR which consists only the results for common choromonal abnormalitites. Thank God, Alfee is so far normal and healthy. However, we still have to wait for the full report.

So much to worry for us and I am sure there will be more to come. I guess I am trying to get by each day, seeing each challenge as rainbow hurdles for me to jump over. Some require calculated moves while others are just leaps of faith.

Down & Out

2010-03-03T00:33:00.000-08:00

I thought I would have more energy and time for Sophie during my "honeymoon" second trimester. I could not be more wrong, apparently. My morning sickness still persists and on top of that, I have to deal with hives as well. Also, I have to do an amniocentesis in 2 weeks and wait 2 more weeks for the results. By the time I know if XD is ok, my second trimester would be soon over. There isn't a single day that I feel great and full of energy ever since the beginning of the year. And lately, I really feel the weight on my shoulders. I cry almost everyday about the possibility of losing XD.

I have to train Sophie to get her ready for Nursery 1 in July - toilet training and self-feeding. I also have to train her to sleep without me. I need to keep my body healthy and watch my diet to prevent Gestational Diabetes. I must protect XD from Sophie - sometimes she would try to sit on me or climb all over me. I need to prepare my confinement menu and allocate work to everyone so that I can concentrate on milk production. I need to train my domestic helper to take over some of my responsibities with Sophie. On top of that, I worry about XD a lot. I have stopped shopping for baby stuff for the moment but if all goes well, I would have to prepare the nursery room in April.

Honestly, I feel overwhelmed and scared. I doubt I can cope with everything. I am still working on overcoming my driving phobia. It's something that nobody takes seriously, unfortunately. No one seems to understand how much it has affected me and how much I want to overcome it. At the same time, it's not something that I can just "drive and overcome". It took me 10 years to bring myself to learn driving, how long would I need to start driving? It saddens me everytime I think about it.

There is so much to bear and so little of me to do it. I am so weak and I am starting to tremble under the weight. Yet Sophie needs a strong mummy. She is a highly sensitive child who needs to be managed well. I am so tired and worn out. The weather does not help. Thank goodness, my domestic helper can take over the household chores with minimal supervision.

I really worry about how things would be like when I am due. I have to do a c-section again and I hate the thought of dealing with an unforgiving 2-yr-old then. I wish I could just give up. I am only human.

Poor Little XD

2010-02-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

Poor little XD is in trouble. And I am totally clueless to what I should do now. I don't want to lose XD, not after we have already bonded. My little baby, I will always love you...

Little XD

2010-02-18T22:29:00.000-08:00

We did our Oscar Test on XD today. Little XD was all curled up and it took a lot of probing to get him/her to straighten up for the scan. Just 3 weeks ago, we saw the little limb buds moving. Today, we could saw the arms and legs moving around. I even took a good look at his/her face (2D profile only) and apparently, XD has CK's nose (similar to Sophie's nose). We would only get the results on Saturday so meanwhile, our fingers remained crossed.

XD At 12th Week

2010-02-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

This was XD's image when we did the Oscar Test today.

Blessings

2010-02-10T19:51:00.000-08:00

I should be thankful that Rose, my domestic helper, is relatively well trained in housekeeping work. Although she does not seem to talk much and she cannot really cook Chinese dishes well, she cleans thoroughly and she is willing to learn. I am currently trying to relinquish some of my time with Sophie to her. We will test out if she can handle art and craft sessions with Sophie. I need to train her how to interact and discipline Sophie while she does her work. It is challenging but possible. After all, I have trained teachers before so this should not be too tough. I just need to work out a schedule and a SOP. Meanwhile, I am lending Rose some of my books and showing her our blogs to get her more familiar with the sort of activities we do at home. If all is well, maybe I can even start training other domestic helpers in delivering art and craft sessions.

Super Stressed Out Week

2010-02-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

Before Sophie's fingal infection recovers, she is down with a fever. CK has been sick for a week and so has my mum. My dad is now showing signs of nasal congestion too. My skin is getting from bad to worse. Now there are red, angry-looking bumps that itch like nobody's business. My morning sickness has not improved either, in fact, my appetite has become worse lately. Even my cat, Bearie, injured herself and I don't know how bad it is. But from the way my dad described, I think she might need to see a vet.

Bad Mood

2010-02-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

My life can be a lonely journey filled with worries, fears, unknowns, sadness and heartaches... sometimes. Today, I let my pessimism ooze out of my every pore and quite literally soaked myself in it, in attempt to exhaust its overwhelming power over me. I am still at the soaking stage, unfortunately. I don't really care how much a pain in the butt I must seem to be. And I doubt anyone who cares either. Everyone has their own story to tell so unless mine is exceptionally useful or interesting, who really bothers? I run out of fuel to even begin pouring out my sorrows to whoever willing to lend me an ear. I see no point actually. What can others possibly do to make things better? Oh yes, maybe just one thing - shoot me. However, that might lead to an epidemic of misery when my melancholy spills out of my body as I fall to the ground. That won't do either, will it? For even in my present state of self-indulgence and "teeth-clenching" sort of agony, I am still noble enough not to spread my disease to those around me. So I chose to swallow my bitterness and go to bed early. Perhaps I can seek solace in pleasant dreams or just simply find some peace in the darkness.

Second Scan Of XD (Xiao Dou)

2010-01-29T13:58:00.001-08:00

XD (10 weeks)

This morning, we left Sophie and Rose with my mother-in-law and visited our gynaecologist at Thomson Medical Centre. Dr Tan said XD is growing well and it seems our pregnacy is no longer "threatened". However, she wants me to continue with the hormone pills (reduced dosage) just in case. I lost some weight too, but no big deal. When we looked at the ultrascan, XD was moving and kicking about. So cute! There was a surge of maternal happiness in me that nearly got translated into tears. It lasted 3 seconds or so. For the first time since we found out about XD, it felt real. XD is real and growing in my womb.

Heartache

2010-01-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

I wept today when Sophie refused to put away her stuff. To many, it might have been a normal thing but to me, it was not so normal. She was much more cooperative before I started neglecting her two weeks ago. I have myself to blame. Everyone tells me to leave her to my helper since I am not feeling well. But the consequences? I want the control back. I want her to be independent and responsible. That means I will have to bite the bullet and endure the "you ask for it" if I should feel discouraged, tired or stressed out. But I can compromise everything else... except my children. Even if I get no support, I cannot give in and leave my children to the helper. She is good but she is not Sophie's mum.

Bad Vibes

2010-01-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

I met an acquaintance today; someone whom I have not seen (actually I meant "talked to") for at least 8 years. Actually, I have seen him a couple of times but I tried not to acknowledge him. I have a nasty but almost instinctive habit of evading from acquaintances I meet. Now, I guess I understood why I have always preferred not to say "hi". We talked only a little, but I sensed that he was trying to size me up. He and his wife are property agents now. Naturally, he got a little excited to know CK works in OUB and we stay in a condo. I am not used to "social networking" of such sort so our conversation left me with a slight bitter after taste. However, he really got to me when he said I have put on weight! I meant, what did he expect? After 8 years? AND I AM PREGNANT! He does not look as young as before either! I actually tried to joke about it by saying it was all because of Sophie (standing innocently besides me). And he gave me a "Ya-ya, my wife says so too!" look.

'Tis So Challenging

2010-01-25T17:03:00.001-08:00

Life has become very challenging since we found out about No.2. We have to quickly get a domestic helper so that we can train her to work independently within 6 months. We called in our carpenter to fix up our master bedroom so that we can use it when No.2 arrives. We have also started school for Sophie which means a great deal of travelling and adjusting for her and us. We must toilet train her in time for pre-nursery as well.

Lots of things to do and so little time and energy on my part. I need to be horizontal a lot more than I am willing to. With Sophie, I was not so helpless. I could rest when I had to. This time, it was really hard to let myself relax. On one hand, I want to provide better care for No.2, on the other, I really hate to compromise Sophie's learning. In fact, I have stopped the activities with her after we found our that I was spotting. It has been almost 2 weeks and I feel really bad about it.

It helps that we recently met up with our mentor at Cherrybrooks. She reminded us to see the big picture and let go of those small inconveniences and hiccups. She also validated our efforts in educating Sophie and encouraged us to remain thankful that we could provide such a good home environment for her. By staying at home, I am able to have full control over how we bring Sophie up. The challenge is how we can do the same for No.2. She also wants us to bear "unity" in mind. Both of us must remember that we are "one" and our family can only function well if we stay that way. I guess sometimes it is good to have the perspective of an external professional.

First Scan Of Baby XD (Xiao Dou)

2010-01-16T18:42:00.000-08:00

We feel that we need to have a name for the little baby (even before we know its gender). We called Sophie XD which stands for Xiao Dan (little egg) then. But we cannot seem to get comfortable with any names so far. Finally, I think I will call the little one XD as well, but it stands for Xiao Dou (little pea). I like XD because it looks like a face laughing hysterically. I want my children to be happy always and never be like their mama who is ever so pessimistic and melancholic.

Xiao Dou (8 weeks)

Hang In There, Baby!

2010-01-15T17:08:00.000-08:00

My second pregnancy has proven to be more challenging than I could ever imagine. Besides the perpetual morning sickness and lethargy, my stomach is very bloated. Although I am only 2 months pregnant, my tummy looks big. Also, it hurts when I eat and hurts when I don't. Yesterday, my gynaecologist said I am spotting and labelled me as "threatened abortion". Fortunately, the baby is "at this point still alive". That really freaked me out. With Sophie, everything was quite smooth sailing. The hormone level was high, not much morning sickness and she grew without any problem until I got gestational diabetes in the last trimester.

I really hope the baby would be ok. It is tough to manage Sophie without overexerting myself. She still wants me to carry and play with her, which means lots of physical exertion. Also, I have to accompany her to school. Of course it does not help that my room is currently going through some low grade renovation. I have to stay away whenever the guys come over to fix up the wardrobe and fixtures. I am quite worried now. Yet nothing much I can do besides taking the hormone pills, rest as much as I can and stay positive. I probably can't do much blogging for now.

Help Needed

2009-12-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

Even before we found out about the pregnancy, we have been toying with the possibility of engaging a domestic helper. I really don't think I am doing a good job cleaning the house. My rashes are back and I found some on Sophie too. Looks like we have the same kind of allergy.

Now we have got a domestic helper from the Philippines and she is coming next week. I hope she can do a good job and Sophie can get along with her. We'll do the paperwork over the weekends.

Down With Stomach Flu

2009-12-27T16:12:00.000-08:00

Ever since we found out we are pregnant, I have been getting "hunger pangs" in the middle of the night. I also feel extremely lethargic and giddy in the day. I was surprised that the early signs were so prominent. I even joked about it. Today, I found out why. It was stomach flu. I ran for the toilet 3 times and almost could not get out of bed. In the end, we quickly made an appointment with a GP for some medication.

Christmas Present For Loy Family

2009-12-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I still cannot really register it well, but there are two lines on the pregancy test kit last night. I was 5 days late so I got CK to buy a kit on his way home. Both of us were not harbouring high hopes because I am always late and we really hate the down side of the rollercoaster. Yet, it seems like I am pregnant, after all.

This evening, CK came back with another test kit. He wanted to be "double" sure. And again, there were two lines. We have a lot more worries and concerns now than when Sophie was conceived though. I wonder how to cope with my pregnancy and a hyper two-year-old alone. Should I even announce it, at such an early stage? Oh well... tis too much to bear alone, I feel. In anycase, we have decided long ago to name our second baby "Sonya" or "Alfee", depending on its gender.

Homemade Pizza

2009-12-23T23:56:00.000-08:00

I made snacks for my parents and Sophie today. After much deliberation, I took out two of the wholemeal pita bread I had bought on Sunday and spread tomato paste on top of them. Then I cut up some mushrooms, chicken ham and can pineapple slices as toppings. To finish it off, I sprinkle a generous amount of mozzarella cheese shavings on top of everything. Then into the oven they went, for 20 minutes or so. Although it seemed too simple to even mention, it is a milestone for me. I have never done this before so I had to look up cookbooks for receipes. And I had to modify the receipe so that it appeals to Sophie. I intend to make such snacks WITH Sophie once I am more comfortable with making them myself! Meanwhile, I am so glad today's attempt turned out well.

Lynn & Sarah

2009-12-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

Lynn is my childhood friend. She married much earlier than I did and Audrey is her first born. Her second daughter, Sarah, was recently born and I visited her at TMC on Saturday while Sophie was taking her afternoon nap in the car with CK. We are very close friends but we seldom discuss about our worldviews, philosophy or the things we do for a living or recreation. We just talk like sisters who live far away from each other and we meet when there is a need to see each other. Audrey is 2 years older than Sophie. Sometimes I wonder how nice it would be if our children can become good friends especially since Sarah is 2 years younger than Sophie.

I think Lynn has adapted to motherhood a lot better than I have. She seems to really enjoy spending quality time with Audrey and now, she looks forward to her 5-month maternity leave with Sarah. If all turns out well, she may even resign and become a SAHM too. To me, that is amazing. No matter how well I am doing as a SAHM (not that I am), I look forward to working again. I love Sophie but this lifestyle is not for me and I yearn for my freedom all the time. I am held hostage by my maternal responsibility and Sophie's needs. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter fiercely and I would do whatever neccesary to bring her up well. I am just an ordinary person though, I have my own needs to fulfil.

2010 Plans

2009-12-21T05:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, CK and I talked about hiring a domestic helper next year. The household chores are really driving me insane. As the weather changes, my skin allergy is back again - little red and itchy bumps on my limbs. I probably can tolerate it but Sophie seems to have similar problem although her case is milder. I seriously doubt I can do a good job cleaning the house so someone else has to do it. We also thought about part-time cleaners, but a domestic helper is more economical.

We also want to renovate our master bedroom. We intend to move back with Sophie and let the domestic helper sleep in our current bedroom. She can also do the ironing in the room. Unfortunately, we can only get the renovators in after Chinese New Year (March). So, we can only hire our domestic helper in June. By then, Sophie will hopefully be well adjusted in Cherrytots and all ready to go into Pre-Nursery in Cherrybrooks.

I also intend to take a refresher course from SSDC to overcome my phobia in driving. It has handicapped me for far too long and the only way for me to manage Sophie's schooling schedule, is for me to drive. If this fails again, I shall take more drastic measures... like seeing a counsellor or hypnotherapist. Hopefully, I can stop those panic attacks once and for all.

Brought It Upon Myself?

2009-12-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

I have had enough. I was told recently that my SAHM life is so tough now because I brought it upon myself. And that maybe others could manage it so well because their methods are better. Perhaps I ought to change my ways and learn from others. I was also advised not to be so “arrogant” that I think my way with Sophie is correct or necessary the best for her.

I never boast about the effort I put into raising Sophie because everyday is a struggle for me. I am not trained so I had to read up and understand early childhood education before I dare to do anything with her. I have no younger siblings or any experience with babies so I had to read up about how to care for her. Yet every effort and attempt I have ever made was only met with contempt, doubt and insult. I am so hurt, discouraged and defeated.

In fact, this week I am letting go of everything. I leave the TV on so that Sophie can watch whatever she pleases. I gave her toys to occupy her time while I cook and clean. When she runs to me for attention or ask me to read to her, I would give her a hug and send her off to watch more TV or direct her to her toys instead. No more routines either. No more art and craft or anything that requires massive cleaning later.

Yes. I can manage better now. Maybe this should be the way. I don’t have to teach Sophie anything, she will pick it up when she goes to school a couple of years later. I don’t have to train her anything because she is smart enough to learn by herself. I don’t have to change her diapers often since she will definitely cry if it gets too wet and uncomfortable. I should also relax during mealtime, after all she will eat when she is hungry. Constipation? No worries at all. Just give her lots of fluid, like soft drinks or packet drinks. If she doesn’t like the food, I can always order in or give her fries and biscuits. And of course, I don’t need to put her to bed because it is only human and natural for her to want to sleep if she is tired enough. Hey, it is actually quite easy to raise a child after all!

While I don’t get much credit for the way Sophie has turned out so far, I will definitely get the blame if she misbehaves or fails to excel in any way. So I am waiting for someone to criticise my “childishness” and condemn me for venting my frustration on Sophie. You see, I am not good enough and I doubt I will EVER be. So hey, come on… feel free to take me for granted or bully me. After all, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it.

Changes

2009-10-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

Sophie and I have been an entity for almost 3 years. It is a good time to start breaking away from her so that she can develop a stronger sense of self and gain more independence. And “Hanalohgy” has been created as a symbolic gesture to my intention for autonomy. I will not be posting my life experiences, thoughts and feelings in her blog anymore.

“Sophie’s World” will also be replaced by “Sophie’s Sketches” in 2010. Papa, Mama and our home environment will no longer be Sophie’s “world” as she grows older and attends school next year. So “Sophie’s Sketches” will be used to document her development, learning and family time with us. Perhaps we may even be able to get her to contribute some entries as well.

All in all, we have great plans for 2010 and I cannot wait to share them…